Sex can create it's own patterns within a relationship. When you are getting your needs met, then the pattern is working. However, a common concern amongst couples is that one person wants sex more frequently or feels like their partner does not desire them. In society being "horny" is considered normal and desirable. But what we know about sexuality is that desire comes in spontaneous and reactive flavors.
Some people think about sex and act in ways to have sex; others don't start off a sexual encounter feeling turned on, but while talking, touching, kissing etc will then become aroused - this is called reactive sexual desire. This can send the message, given cultural understanding, that there is something wrong with your libido, but let me assure you that there is not! Sexual desire changes over the course of a lifetime, a relationship, day to day. This is not a male or female thing. This is just people all having the same parts put together in different ways - it is all normal.
If you are in a relationship with someone who has reactive sexual desire, or are the person with reactive sexual desire, can you use that as a fun challenge to become closer with each other, focus on the foreplay (talking, kissing, massage, touching) and allow the slow burn to happen?
Jessa Zimmerman, MA is a great sex therapist and presents this article/video on the fallacy of "low libido".
CLICK HERE TO FIND THE FULL ARTICLE/VIDEO
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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