Breaking Free from the Reactivity Trap

If you’ve ever found yourself mid-argument thinking, “Why am I saying this? Why can’t I stop?”—this episode is for you. In Episode 11 of Coupled With..., we’re getting to the root of reactivity: what it really is, why it takes over so fast, and how you can start to change the cycle. 

Listen or read the full post below.

You know that moment when you're in the middle of a conversation with your partner and something inside you just snaps?

One second, you're trying to stay calm. You're trying to be rational. You know you don’t want to fight. And then—boom. The words come flying out before you can catch them.

Maybe it’s sarcasm. Maybe it’s that sharp, cutting tone you swore you wouldn’t use again. Your heart's pounding. Your voice is getting louder. Even as you're speaking, there's a part of you whispering, "Stop. This isn't what you really mean."

But it’s too late.

And afterward, when the dust settles? The shame hits. You replay the conversation in your head, over and over, wondering if you just ruined something important. You ask yourself, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop this pattern?"

If you’ve ever felt like your emotions hijack your relationship—and you don’t know how to stop it—this is for you.

Because the truth is: reactivity isn’t a flaw. It’s a survival strategy.

When something in your relationship feels threatening—even if it’s just a tone, a glance, or an unmet bid for connection—your nervous system reacts. It doesn't matter if the threat is real or a ghost from the past. Your body floods with cortisol. Your muscles tense. You go into fight-or-flight.

You're not fighting about dishes. You're fighting to feel seen. To feel safe. To feel worthy.

And your brain's old defense systems kick in to protect you—even if the result is disconnection.

Here’s the problem:

What protected you then is sabotaging your connection now.

Reactivity makes sense. But when it becomes the norm, it erodes trust, intimacy, and emotional safety. Over time, you and your partner stop reaching for each other and start protecting yourselves from each other. You might feel like you're living behind a glass wall—able to see one another, but unable to really connect.

So how do you break the cycle?

Not by becoming perfect. Not by shutting down your feelings. Not by gritting your teeth and staying quiet.

You break the cycle by learning to recognize what’s happening before you explode. You break it by pausing long enough to choose connection over protection. You break it by coming back after the rupture to repair—gently, honestly, and without shame.

What does repair look like?

It’s not dramatic. It’s not groveling. It’s not a performance.

Repair sounds like:

"I can hear that I hurt you earlier. I reacted from fear, not love. I'm sorry."

"I got defensive when what I really wanted was to feel close to you. Can we try again?"

"You didn’t deserve that tone. I’m still learning how to stay present when I feel overwhelmed."

Repair builds trust. Not because you got it right the first time—but because you cared enough to come back and make it right.

Five ways to shift out of reactivity and into connection:

1. Track your early warning signs. Does your chest get tight? Does your voice speed up? Learn your body's signals so you can catch the spiral early.

2. Name the fear. Underneath the reactivity is almost always fear: of being rejected, misunderstood, abandoned, or not good enough.

3. Pause before responding. Give yourself 10 full seconds. A breath. A grounding movement. You are allowed to slow it down.

4. Choose connection over being right. Ask yourself: "Is what I'm about to say going to bring us closer or push us further apart?"

5. Practice self-compassion. You are not a bad partner. You are someone who is learning new tools. That matters.

If this resonates with you, I hope you let it in:

You are not your most reactive moment. You are not your worst conversation. You are not broken.

You are healing. You are learning to stay. You are breaking free.

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Want more support with this? 👉 Sign up for my free 7-day email course: Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Stop the Same Fight and Rebuild Connection at [Click Here]

Why Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough: The Real Art of Repair in Relationships

You apologized. You meant it. But somehow… things still feel tense. If you’ve ever wondered why your repair didn’t land—or why the same old argument keeps coming back—this episode where I interview therapist Shannon McCune, LMHC , who specializes in helping couples navigate emotional repair and reconnect after conflict, will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and how to start reconnecting.
Listen or read below.

You finally say “I’m sorry,” but instead of softening, your partner gets even more upset.
The tension lingers. The same argument resurfaces days—or months—later.
You wonder: What am I doing wrong?

In this post, we’re diving into why well-meaning apologies often miss the mark, what real repair looks and feels like in a relationship, and how to recognize when a recurring fight is actually something deeper—a sign of an attachment injury.

This article is inspired by the powerful conversation I had with Shannon McCune, LMHC (I strongly recommend a listen to hear her powerful insights!).

Whether you’re the one who pushes to talk things through or the one who shuts down to keep the peace, this will help you start breaking the cycle.

🔥 Why Some Apologies Backfire
We’re taught that apologizing is the right thing to do. But in real relationships, many apologies fall flat—not because we don’t care, but because we miss the moment.

Here’s what often goes wrong:

• We jump to explaining instead of showing we care

• We say “I didn’t mean to...” which feels dismissive, even if it’s true

• We rush through it to avoid conflict, which leaves our partner feeling alone

💬 “I’m sorry that you feel that way” often reads as blame—not empathy.

🧠 What Real Repair Sounds Like
A genuine repair doesn’t start with logic. It starts with attunement.

Here’s what that can sound like:

“Oof. I can see why that hurt. That wasn’t my intention, but I get it now.”
“I care about what’s going on for you. I’m feeling defensive, and I want to come back to this when I can show up better.”

The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present.

💔 What If You’ve Already Apologized—But It Keeps Coming Up?
You might be dealing with what’s called an attachment injury.

An attachment injury is any moment—especially in a vulnerable time—when your partner needed connection, and instead felt dismissed, abandoned, or unsafe. It doesn’t have to be a big betrayal. Even a seemingly small moment can cut deep if it touches a raw nerve.

If that moment hasn’t been fully understood and repaired, your partner’s body keeps the score—and the pain resurfaces.

🔄 The Repair Loop: Why You Stay Stuck
When you try to explain or smooth things over, your partner may feel dismissed. So they push harder. You feel attacked and withdraw.
Sound familiar?

That’s the reactivity cycle—and it’s why repair isn’t just about words. It’s about breaking the cycle with your presence, your tone, and your timing.

💡 One Powerful Shift You Can Try Today
Before you respond, pause and ask yourself:

What is my partner needing me to see right now—beneath the words?

Then reflect it back with care. Even a simple:

“You felt really let down by me, didn’t you?”

…can soften the edges and open the door to reconnection.

🧘‍♀️ Remember:
You don’t have to say it perfectly.
You just have to stay present, stay curious, and keep showing up.

This blog post was adapted from a conversation with therapist Shannon McCune. You can learn more about her work at www.madronarelationships.com.

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🎁 Need More Support?

If this feels familiar and you want help breaking the cycle in your relationship, I’ve created a free 7-day course just for you.

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You’ll get short, practical lessons sent straight to your inbox—designed to shift your pattern even if your partner isn’t on board yet.

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