You apologized. You meant it. But somehow… things still feel tense. If you’ve ever wondered why your repair didn’t land—or why the same old argument keeps coming back—this episode where I interview therapist Shannon McCune, LMHC , who specializes in helping couples navigate emotional repair and reconnect after conflict, will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and how to start reconnecting.
Listen or read below.
You finally say “I’m sorry,” but instead of softening, your partner gets even more upset.
The tension lingers. The same argument resurfaces days—or months—later.
You wonder: What am I doing wrong?
In this post, we’re diving into why well-meaning apologies often miss the mark, what real repair looks and feels like in a relationship, and how to recognize when a recurring fight is actually something deeper—a sign of an attachment injury.
This article is inspired by the powerful conversation I had with Shannon McCune, LMHC (I strongly recommend a listen to hear her powerful insights!).
Whether you’re the one who pushes to talk things through or the one who shuts down to keep the peace, this will help you start breaking the cycle.
🔥 Why Some Apologies Backfire
We’re taught that apologizing is the right thing to do. But in real relationships, many apologies fall flat—not because we don’t care, but because we miss the moment.
Here’s what often goes wrong:
We jump to explaining instead of showing we care
We say “I didn’t mean to...” which feels dismissive, even if it’s true
We rush through it to avoid conflict, which leaves our partner feeling alone
💬 “I’m sorry that you feel that way” often reads as blame—not empathy.
🧠 What Real Repair Sounds Like
A genuine repair doesn’t start with logic. It starts with attunement.
Here’s what that can sound like:
“Oof. I can see why that hurt. That wasn’t my intention, but I get it now.”
“I care about what’s going on for you. I’m feeling defensive, and I want to come back to this when I can show up better.”
The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present.
💔 What If You’ve Already Apologized—But It Keeps Coming Up?
You might be dealing with what’s called an attachment injury.
An attachment injury is any moment—especially in a vulnerable time—when your partner needed connection, and instead felt dismissed, abandoned, or unsafe. It doesn’t have to be a big betrayal. Even a seemingly small moment can cut deep if it touches a raw nerve.
If that moment hasn’t been fully understood and repaired, your partner’s body keeps the score—and the pain resurfaces.
🔄 The Repair Loop: Why You Stay Stuck
When you try to explain or smooth things over, your partner may feel dismissed. So they push harder. You feel attacked and withdraw.
Sound familiar?
That’s the reactivity cycle—and it’s why repair isn’t just about words. It’s about breaking the cycle with your presence, your tone, and your timing.
💡 One Powerful Shift You Can Try Today
Before you respond, pause and ask yourself:
What is my partner needing me to see right now—beneath the words?
Then reflect it back with care. Even a simple:
“You felt really let down by me, didn’t you?”
…can soften the edges and open the door to reconnection.
🧘♀️ Remember:
You don’t have to say it perfectly.
You just have to stay present, stay curious, and keep showing up.
This blog post was adapted from a conversation with therapist Shannon McCune. You can learn more about her work at www.madronarelationships.com.
🎁 Need More Support?
If this feels familiar and you want help breaking the cycle in your relationship, I’ve created a free 7-day course just for you.
Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Stop the Same Fight and Rebuild Connection
You’ll get short, practical lessons sent straight to your inbox—designed to shift your pattern even if your partner isn’t on board yet.