This is part two of a two-part series on loving after relational trauma. If your past makes closeness feel risky—even with someone safe—this one's for you.
Listen or read below.
You want love. Real, connected, safe love.
But the closer it gets, the more your body screams: Run.
Not because you don’t care—but because you’ve been hurt. And your nervous system remembers.
Even when your partner is steady, your body expects the storm. You brace. You pull back. You freeze or flare up.
You’re not broken. You’re protected. But those protections? They can start to cost you the connection you deeply crave.
Let’s talk about how to love without losing yourself—and how to stay present when everything in you says don’t you dare trust this.
What Trauma Teaches You About Love
Relational trauma isn’t always obvious. It can come from:
A parent who went silent for days.
Explosive reactions to tiny mistakes.
Being told you were too much.
Little by little, your body learned:
Don’t need too much.
Don’t get too close.
Stay in control, or you’ll get blindsided.
So when your partner does stay calm, or offer closeness, your body says:
"It won’t last. Don’t fall for it."
You shut down, pick fights, go quiet, vanish behind logic or perfection.
And then you feel ashamed. Because what you want is comfort. What you do is pull away.
It’s a painful cycle. One I know personally—and professionally. But it’s not the end of the story.
You Can Learn to Stay (Even When It’s Hard)
Your old patterns aren’t permanent. They’re practiced. You can choose something new.
Not by being perfect. But by taking small, real risks.
Start Here:
1. Narrate. Don’t Perform.
You don’t have to be calm to speak. Just be honest.
Try:
“This is making me shut down and I’m not sure why.”
“My instinct is to walk away—but I’m trying to stay.”
2. Own Your Patterns Without Shame.
You don’t have to fix everything. Just name your moves.
Try:
“I know I get quiet when I’m overwhelmed. I’m not trying to push you away.”
“Sometimes I test closeness because I’m scared it won’t last.”
3. Repair When You Can.
When you catch yourself pulling back, come back.
Try:
“That didn’t go how I wanted. Can we try again?”
“I pulled away earlier—but I don’t want to stay disconnected.”
4. Track Your Wins.
You stayed. You opened up. Even if just a little.
That counts.
Let your partner reflect it back. Let yourself feel it.
You Are Not Too Much
You are not broken. You are not hard to love. You are someone who survived what wasn’t safe.
Now you’re learning how to live and love differently.
You don’t need to bulldoze your fear. Just stay curious. Stay present. Stay willing.
This work isn’t about perfection.
It’s about staying in the room, as yourself—even when it’s hard.
💌 Ready to break the cycle?
Grab my free 7-day email course, Break the Cycle, and start shifting your patterns with daily tools you can actually use.
Click here to start