When you're in love with someone who’s been hurt, love alone isn’t always enough.
In this episode of Coupled With..., Part 1 of a two part series, we unpack the subtle signs of relational trauma, the cycles it creates, and how to stay close without walking on eggshells. If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing all the emotional heavy lifting, this one’s for you.
Listen or read below.
What happens when the person you love has been hurt in past relationships—so much so that love doesn’t always feel safe to them?
They might have grown up with a parent who withheld affection. They might have been in a past relationship where love meant control or emotional abandonment. They may not even have language for what they went through—only that closeness triggers a fight-or-flight response.
And now they’re with you.
You’re steady. Patient. Consistent. But no matter how kind or safe you try to be, it never feels like enough to quiet their nervous system.
Relational trauma doesn’t just live in the past. It replays itself in the present. And loving someone through that trauma is beautiful—and incredibly hard.
This episode is for you, the partner trying to show up with compassion, without erasing yourself in the process.
What Is Relational Trauma, Really?
Relational trauma isn’t always about overt abuse. It’s about emotional experiences that taught someone:
Closeness equals danger.
Vulnerability is a trap.
You have to be perfect, quiet, or invisible to be loved.
In real time, this can look like shutting down, brushing off affection, pulling away to "test" if you’ll follow, or escalating arguments to create distance first—before you can.
And when you’re on the receiving end? It’s confusing. Lonely. You end up walking on eggshells, trying to be soft and safe, even while you’re hurting inside.
The Trauma Cycle: When Love Feels Like a Minefield
Let’s say your partner gets quiet after a tense moment. They say, “I’m fine,” but their tone is flat and cold.
You give them space. But now you’re stuck with the ache. Did I mess up? Are they pulling away again?
You reach out gently. Maybe they snap, or say, “Why do you always need to talk everything to death?” Now you’re hurt. And their trauma brain says, “See, I knew I couldn’t trust this.”
This is how the trauma cycle works: one person’s protectiveness activates the other’s. Both of you start to feel like the enemy.
It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility—as a couple—to name it.
What Happens to You in This Pattern
Here’s the part no one talks about: when you love someone with relational trauma, you can start to disappear.
You second-guess yourself. You check your tone, your words, your body language. You try to be soothing even when you’re screaming inside.
And while you’re working so hard to create safety for them, a quiet truth builds:
Who is making it safe for me?
You feel guilty for even having that thought. But it’s not wrong. It’s human. And it matters.
The Shift: Love with Compassion and Boundaries
Real healing happens when you stay real.
Let’s break it down:
1. Recenter Your Nervous System First
You can’t help your partner regulate if you’re dysregulated too. Before you respond, pause and ask: What do I need right now to come back to center?
Staying grounded doesn’t mean staying silent. It means choosing your response from a calm, clear place—not fear.
2. Know the Difference Between Attunement and Over-Functioning
Attunement = mutual care. Over-functioning = managing their emotions so they don’t get triggered.
If your internal monologue sounds like: “Please don’t be upset. Never mind. I just want this to feel okay…”—that’s over-functioning.
3. Stay Soft Without Collapsing
You can be warm and honest. You can say:
“I know this brought something up for you, and I want to work through it. But when you shut down like that, it hurts. I want us to feel close again.”
That’s not criticism. That’s connection.
4. Validate Before You Problem-Solve
If your partner’s in pain, don’t jump to logic. Instead, slow your speech, soften your tone, and say:
“I can see this brought something up for you. And it’s hard for me when I feel pushed away. I want us to find each other in this.”
5. Celebrate the Small Repairs
If they stay in the room, soften their tone, or try to reconnect—notice it. Say:
“That was hard, and you stayed with me. I really felt that. Thank you.”
Small moments of safety, repeated over time, change everything.
You Get to Matter Too
Even if your partner’s wounds are deep and their pain is loud, your needs don’t disappear.
You’re allowed to ask for closeness. You’re allowed to want to feel wanted. And you don’t have to become a trauma expert to offer love that heals. You just have to keep offering small signals of safety—and truth.
This work is slow, and it’s sacred. But it only works if both people are willing to show up.
And if you’re doing the work, and they refuse to grow, it’s okay to ask:
Am I loving them… or abandoning myself?
You don’t have to answer that alone.
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