Struggling to stay connected during infertility? In this episode of Coupled With…, I sit down with reproductive therapist Alicia Ferris to unpack what this journey does to your relationship—and how to strengthen it from the inside out.
Listen below or read on.
Infertility doesn’t just challenge your body.
It tests your relationship, your mental health, your sex life, your calendar, your finances, and your sense of identity—sometimes all at once.
And even when both partners want the same thing, the experience can feel incredibly lonely and emotionally out of sync.
In this episode of Coupled With…, I sat down with reproductive and perinatal therapist Alicia Ferris to talk about what infertility does to a relationship—and how couples can move through it together, not apart.
Whether you're in the middle of your own fertility journey or supporting someone you love, this post is here to help you feel less alone—and more equipped to face what comes next.
The Disconnect No One Talks About
One of the biggest emotional landmines couples face during infertility is this:
We’re going through the same thing—but it doesn’t feel like we’re going through it together.
And that makes sense.
Even when you're aligned on wanting a child, your experiences may be vastly different. One partner might be tracking ovulation, managing medication side effects, or recovering from procedures—while the other feels helpless or uncertain about how to engage.
This emotional mismatch often leads couples to feel like they’re living on parallel tracks rather than walking the same path.
And that disconnect can silently erode the sense of being “in it together.”
How Fertility Challenges Affect Your Relationship
Alicia shared how the strain of infertility doesn’t cause divorce—but it can be a turning point.
Some couples grow stronger from adversity. Others drift further apart.
Here’s what tends to drive that split:
Uneven emotional labor (one partner holding the calendar, appointments, and emotional weight)
Different levels of urgency around conception
Changes in sex and intimacy, especially when intercourse becomes goal-oriented
Decision fatigue—endless micro-decisions about treatment plans, finances, or next steps
Social isolation and grief over missed milestones
The couples who weather this well?
They don’t wait until there’s a rupture.
They actively work to stay connected through the process.
So How Do You Stay Connected?
Here are some of Alicia’s most powerful strategies for staying emotionally attuned as a couple during the fertility journey.
1. Talk About the Feelings, Not Just the Logistics
So many couples communicate about fertility but miss the deeper layer underneath—the fear, grief, anger, and vulnerability.
“If we can connect around the emotions,” Alicia says, “the logistics get a whole lot easier.”
This means instead of just saying,
“We need to decide if we’re doing another IUI…”
You might say,
“I’m feeling afraid of what it means if this one doesn’t work. I feel tired and discouraged.”
That emotional honesty creates connection, not disconnection.
2. Use a Shared Calendar for Fertility Tracking
Who’s holding all the mental load?
Often, one partner (typically the one undergoing treatment) is carrying the calendar, tracking cycles, remembering appointments, and coordinating next steps.
A shared calendar isn’t just practical—it’s symbolic.
It says: This isn’t just your responsibility. We’re in this together.
It also prevents emotional burnout and makes space for collaboration and empathy.
3. Don’t Let Sex Become a Business Transaction
When sex becomes only about timing, ovulation, and outcomes, desire tends to tank.
To preserve intimacy:
Plan moments of connection outside the fertility window
Explore other forms of physical affection that aren’t about baby-making
Talk openly about how pressure is affecting each of you
“Sometimes being closer when you’re not fertile is the secret,” Alicia notes.
“It brings back the fun, the spontaneity, the emotional safety.”
4. Live Your Life in the Waiting
It’s easy to put everything on pause during infertility.
You don’t plan trips…
You avoid social events…
You stop making future plans—just in case.
But this “holding your breath” approach drains joy.
Alicia calls this borrowed time.
“If you want to be a parent, you probably will be,” she says. “And when that happens, life will change.”
So don’t miss the chance to enjoy your relationship right now.
Take the trip. Go to the concert. Live life fully in the waiting.
5. Use the Ruler Test to Make Joint Decisions
What happens when one of you wants to move forward, and the other isn’t ready?
Alicia suggests doing a “ruler test”:
Rate where you are (1–5) on comfort with the next step (e.g., IVF, donor eggs, pausing treatment)
Share why you’re at that number
Invite your partner to do the same
This exercise can reduce fear, clarify concerns, and prevent miscommunication.
Instead of assuming “you’re blocking me,” it becomes “oh, you’re scared, and I didn’t know that.”
6. Decide Together From Day One
From the moment you suspect a fertility issue, decide to approach the journey as a team.
Both partners should:
Get tested
Make lifestyle changes
Engage in treatment conversations
Educate themselves on the process
When one partner feels like they’re dragging the other emotionally or logistically, resentment builds fast.
A joint approach fosters emotional safety—and protects the relationship long-term.
What About Support for Male Partners?
Alicia points out that male partners—particularly in heterosexual couples—often feel isolated or unsupported.
They may:
Not know how to talk about it
Feel embarrassed or ashamed
Fear being seen as “the problem”
Be unsure how to help when they can’t fix it
Partners often desperately want to support—but don’t know how.
“If you give them tools, a map, a way to engage,” Alicia says, “most partners will say, ‘Thank you. I’ve been trying. I just didn’t know how.’”
Therapy: Individual, Couples, or Both?
Sometimes, individual therapy is the best place to start—especially when there’s personal grief, trauma, or confusion.
Other times, a couple might come in because there’s relational tension that needs active support.
You can also do both.
If you're seeing an individual therapist who doesn’t do couples work, ask if they’d be willing to bring in your partner for 1–2 sessions. This can offer powerful shared insights without committing to full-time couples therapy.
You’re Not Alone—Even When It Feels That Way
Infertility often feels like a private storm.
Silent. Isolating. Unseen.
But you don’t have to go through it alone.
Not with your partner. Not with yourself. Not with the world.
There are ways to make your relationship a source of strength, not stress, during this chapter.
Talk to each other.
Lean in.
Get help when you need it.
And remember—support exists. You just have to reach for it.
You don’t need another script. You need a reset.
In just 7 days, Break the Cycle will teach you how to:
Spot your relationship’s reactivity pattern
Regulate in the moment (even when you’re triggered)
Communicate in a way that finally lands
💥 Let’s make your next hard moment a breakthrough—not a breakdown.