In the past, couples counseling has been a separate entity from sex therapy...that has always been bonkers to me. Good sex is typically something very important to couples, I know that it's important to the couples that I see in my practice. Common concerns are about sexual frequency and the ability to have enjoyment during sex. When something is wrong in the relationship, one of the first things to go will be sex. Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), references Synchrony vs Solace sex. Synchrony sex occurs when you feel closely bonded to your partner, communication is great, and you feel safe and open during sexual intercourse. Solace sex, on the other hand, occurs when sex is a means to reassure yourself that your partner cares; this sex originates from anxiety. I know which one sounds better to me.
So today I'm bringing in a great article that I found written by Dr. Sue Johnson. She explores the way attachment, the foundation of EFT, influences our experience during sex. She references studies that indicate our experience of sex is more linked to our communication with our partner (not just communication about sex!) than it is about technique, and that enjoyment of sex comes more from the connection and secure attachment, then it does from trying to create excitement. This article will bring in enough research for those you need it, and not enough to be overwhelming for those just looking for a good read about relationships and sex.
The bottom line is: the way to closer, better sex is to work on your relationship, to be vulnerable, and be able to know that your partner will reach back for you...even when times are tough.
Click this link to read the article
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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