As a couples therapist sex is quite frequently an issue that comes up. It is also one of the HARDEST issues to discuss with a partner, particularly if you are nervous about feeling embarrassing them. HOWEVER, not talking about it is much much worse. Relationships and marriages are not only about being able to talk about the easy, fun things, or about dealing with issues that cause big conflicts, but also being able to discuss with your partner something that makes you uncomfortable (whether they do it intentionally or not, whether it needs changing or not), might hurt them, or even if its something about them that you don't like. If you can be open and honest about these issues, it can actually bring you much closer together.
If not discussed, in an open and empathic way, such sexual issues can actually become a negative cycle in relationships and cause more upset over time. Perhaps this would lead to less sex, less pleasure, or more resentment in the relationship - no thank you to any of those.
So today we are talking about a sticky situation...premature ejaculation. This is one issue that can be particularly difficult to talk about, which is why I'm bringing it up first for you. (seriously, the penis jokes are endless). There are times when a quick finish can be seen as a positive - feeling attractive and desirable, or just wanting a quickie. But then there are other times that you want to make love, enjoy, or be connected for longer. For men, premature ejaculation can feel embarrassing and stigmatized, which creates insecurity in the bedroom...and guess what, leads to a higher chance of prematurely ejaculating!
An interesting factoid is that the average length of an erection is only 4 to 12 minutes...hardly the marathon love making depicted in media...or the quick sex that somehow has both couples orgasming within minutes (but I digress...a topic for another day). If ejaculating is happening more quickly than you'd like (no matter which partner you are), it is important to talk about this! Don't let your relationship go down in the books as one where sex gets put by the wayside; your assessment of satisfaction will actually go DOWN if you feel like you can't talk to your partner about it. There are ways to prolong intercourse and I've included a link to an article below by an ASSECT certified therapist.
But a few things to remember...
- Sex is not just intercourse. Use touch, oral sex, and toys to get/give pleasure and prolong your love making
- Practice makes perfect. If you are going to use the techniques in the attached article, talk with your partner about what you two can do together. Let it be fun and playful and YOU'LL HAVE MORE SEX! Whether or not your intercourse is prolonged in the end, you'll feel more connected. (PS. more sex ends up prolonging the future time of erections..two birds, one stone)
- On a more serious note...Remember that at the end of the day the reason why you want to have sex with this person, other than the pleasure and release of an orgasm, is because they are important to you and you feel want to feel close connected to them. Sex is the closest physically you can get. Don't let the emotional closeness be forgotten. Sex is often the first thing to go when you get stuck in negative patterns in your relationship and when sex is the problem, then the conversations can be particularly challenging.
Click here to read the full article on Premature Ejaculation: Causes and 10 Tips for Treatment by Lisa Thomas, LMFT
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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