Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same fight—or why certain behaviors trigger such big reactions?
In this episode of Coupled With…, we’re unpacking how your attachment style and relationship cycle shape the way you argue, connect, and repair. Once you understand the emotional blueprint you’re both working from, everything changes. You’ll start to see the pattern instead of just the problem—and that insight is the first step to real change.
Listen or read below.
Have you ever had a fight with your partner that left you wondering, “Do we even love each other anymore?”
Or maybe the same argument keeps happening on repeat—no matter how many times you promise, “This time will be different.”
Let’s talk about why that happens.
And more importantly—how you can stop the cycle.
What Attachment Theory Really Means in Your Relationship
You’ve probably heard of attachment theory. But what does it actually look like in real life?
At its core, attachment theory explains how we connect and feel safe in close relationships. These patterns start in childhood—based on how our caregivers responded to our emotions—and carry through into adulthood.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Secure attachment: You trust your partner, feel safe bringing up hard stuff, and work through conflict without it feeling like the end of the world.
Anxious attachment: You’re hyper-aware of signs that something might be wrong. A delayed text back can send you spiraling: “Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me?”
Avoidant attachment: You might pull away when emotions get intense, thinking “If I engage, I’ll make it worse.”You protect yourself by staying distant—even if you care deeply.
Same situation. Completely different internal experience.
A Personal Example: When Attachment Styles Clash
Years ago, I was waiting for my now-husband to come over after he said he’d stop by. He didn’t show up when I expected. I started pacing, replaying every conversation. My mind raced: “He doesn’t care. He doesn’t respect my time. I’m not important to him.”
When he finally arrived—an hour late—he had no idea I’d been so upset.
He thought we had a loose plan. I thought we had a set time. We were living completely different emotional realities.
That’s the power of attachment in action.
Why You Keep Having the Same Fight
Once you understand your attachment patterns, you can start to see how they fuel conflict cycles—especially the most common one I see with couples: the pursuer–withdrawer dynamic.
Here’s how it plays out:
The pursuer (often more anxiously attached) senses distance and moves toward their partner to reconnect. They may get louder, ask rapid-fire questions, or sound critical—even though what they really want is reassurance.
The withdrawer (often more avoidantly attached) feels overwhelmed or like they’re already failing. To avoid escalation, they retreat or shut down—trying to stay safe.
The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. The more one pulls away, the more the other pushes.
And round and round it goes.
Why Logic Won’t Save You
If you’re a high-functioning, problem-solving kind of person (👋 hi), your instinct is probably to explain your way out of conflict. You lay out the facts. You try to convince your partner that they shouldn’t feel hurt—or that you didn’t mean it like that.
But here’s the thing: logic doesn’t heal emotional wounds.
Your partner isn’t a problem to be solved. They’re a person to be understood.
The turning point is when you stop trying to “win” the argument or “prove your point”—and start showing up emotionally instead of intellectually.
The Shift That Changes Everything
When couples finally start naming the pattern instead of blaming each other, everything softens.
Try saying something like:
“I’m noticing that I’m explaining a lot and you’re going quiet. I think I’m trying to fix this, but I might be missing how you’re feeling.”
Or:
“I can feel myself pulling away, and I know that probably feels like I don’t care. I actually feel really overwhelmed.”
These are small, brave moments.
They slow the cycle.
They create space for something new.
Why This Isn’t Just About Your Relationship
Our attachment styles don’t start in our adult relationships.
They begin in childhood—through thousands of micro-moments where we learned whether emotions were safe, welcome, or something to be hidden.
I saw this just the other day at the playground. A little boy tripped and clutched his ankle, crying. His mom rushed over and said, “Get up! Are you a boy or not?”
This is how it starts. The way we respond to kids’ pain shapes whether they reach out or shut down. Whether they get louder or smaller. Whether they learn to connect or protect.
And it’s that invisible wiring we carry into our partnerships, whether we realize it or not.
What Connection Actually Means
When I work with couples, they often tell me they want to “feel more connected.” But what does that really mean?
Connection, at its core, means: I’m not alone.
It’s the felt sense that someone sees you, cares about how you’re doing, and is in it with you.
That doesn’t mean you agree on everything. It means you trust each other enough to be vulnerable—especially during conflict—and know that the relationship is strong enough to hold both your emotions.
Getting Out of the Cycle
If you want to start shifting things, here’s where to begin:
1. Name the pattern.
“I think we’re stuck in our loop again.”
2. Get curious instead of certain.
“What do you need right now?”
“What did that moment mean to you?”
3. Focus on connection, not correction.
Don’t try to fix how your partner feels. Just try to understand how they feel.
4. Take responsibility for your role.
You don’t need to be the villain to acknowledge impact. Vulnerability builds trust faster than perfection ever will.
One Last Thing
I’ve rarely seen a partner respond with rejection when someone speaks vulnerably from the heart.
I have seen countless couples finally soften, reconnect, and breathe again when one person risks saying:
“This is hard for me. But I want us to feel close again.”
You don’t have to get it perfect.
Just start by noticing the cycle.
Because once you see it—you can start to change it.
You don’t need another script. You need a reset.
In just 7 days, Break the Cycle will teach you how to:
Spot your relationship’s reactivity pattern
Regulate in the moment (even when you’re triggered)
Communicate in a way that finally lands
💥 Let’s make your next hard moment a breakthrough—not a breakdown.