Relationships…soup…huh? I do understand your confusion. The soup test is not a written test of how to properly make soup, but a metaphor for how relationship challenges are met. Today, I am using this metaphor specifically to understand the very first relationship challenge. Every new relationship encounters a situation that presents a first challenge. This isn’t something that is life changing or groundbreaking. But how this challenge is weathered, and the actions of the individuals in the relationship, may in fact set the stage for this budding relationship. This specific challenge might be encountered quite early on, actually, even before the end of the “honeymoon” phase, which may make this landmark even more difficult to identify.
I’m talking about the first time one person in the couple gets sick. You know that time…you have a runny nose, you’re coughing, there are body aches, you’re in desperate need of cold medicine but also don’t want to walk the 10 feet to the medicine box…or even worse, drive your ass to the pharmacy, let alone spending an hour in the kitchen preparing a meal. So either you text your partner that you aren’t feeling well, or you actually had plans to meet up, but you need to cancel due to illness. I have come to the conclusion, after the observation of couples, personal experience, and communication with others in the field, that this is the first true relationship test.
What happens next is important and how I based the name of this theory. How does your partner react upon receiving your text? Do they write back and say that they hope you get better? Or do they (assuming they do not have an immune deficiency) do the following: text you back and say that they’d like to come over and bring your sick ass some soup, tissues, and cold medicine? Soup, of course, has a rich history of being the food of choice for the ailing. So whether it is chicken noodle or pho - personally, mine is Matzoh Ball Soup or Chinese Egg Drop Soup - does your partner bring you this nourishment that your body so clearly needs?
This small gesture suggests their ability to empathize with how awful you must be feeling (likely having been sick before themselves - please note that this isn’t mind reading), their ability and desire to care for you (who doesn’t want that sometimes…preferably without a nose like Rudolph and a puke bucket), and of course it shows their willingness to risk getting sick in order to be there for you (because they like you, they really like you! - hopefully that Sally Fields reference landed). This ability to react with care and empathy suggests an attunement to you. They understand that a little extra care goes a long way and they understand that when sick that 10 feet feels like 10 miles. The knowledge to care with food is present in almost every culture and shows the skill that person might have in caring for the relationship over time. What other ways might this trait be special to you in a long term relationship?
Of course if they don’t do this it isn’t necessarily a deal breaker…let me make it clear, I am not suggesting that you end your relationship because they didn’t bring you soup. And should this be the expectation after seeing this person for one or two dates? Probably not, let’s be realistic. But this definitely gives you information about the person that you are dating or it gives way to perhaps an important conversation about how you’d like to be treated in the future if they were not the most nurturing partner. This ability to communicate about your wants and needs is as important as they ability to nurture you, and also bodes well for your future together.
So ask yourself…did they get the soup?
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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